Vampires: Now Found In Every Suburb

Of all the disappointing, lackluster shows to hit our radars lately, none is as pathetic as The Gates.

This show simply takes the cake in the “suck department.” Somehow, between the Twilight craze, aging Anne Rice readers, and new suburban wives falling over themselves for Taylor Lautner, The Gates was invented, pitched, and made it all the way to our humble TV sets.

My thinking was that maybe, after a few episodes, the show about a secretive gated community in US, in which residents are composed of humans as well as witches, vampires, and succubi, things would get more interesting.

But they didn’t.

Instead, they created a universe of darkness and boredom. That fine soap-opera quality permeates every shot of this strange Twilight-meets-Days of Our Lives, while the storylines are so lackluster, slow and lacking in any form of enthusiasm, that watching this show feels like a form of Hollywood torture or some kind of liquid diet, aiming to strip you of any delight for all things fantastic.

You see, the vampires are parents, and they live in suburbs – just doing their best with schools, bake sales, and an occasional snack on the help.

And the show is boring, disappointing and dissatisfying in every possible way.

While the adults could possibly be part plastic, the high-school progeny of their vampire loins, may be as well be made of the stuff.

I just have a few words for you: don’t watch it. Don’t even bother.